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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 15, 2014 5:58pm-6:30pm PDT

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(audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: whoo! whoo! number one! (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: whoo! well come to "the report," everybody! thank you so much for joining us! (cheers and applause) folks, it is fantastic to have you here! it is so exciting! (cheers and applause) you know, nation, i'm sure you can tell from the excitement in this room we are entering the last few months of my show, and i pledge to you that i will stay strong on family values to the bitter end. since day one of this program, i've had an unshakeable stamp on gay marriage. it is a moral evil that
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threatens our sacred institutions, our families and lives until it became popular and then, since then, who knows. you know, to each his own. you know, none of my business. (cheers and applause) i might even officiate at a wedding some day, who knows? (cheers and applause) and every day, there's another reason for me to not give a what ev epees. >> it's a big guy for gay right and couple ace cross the country have tied the knot after court hearings at a national and local level made same-sex marriage legal in a majority of states. >> same-sex marriage may soon be legal in 35 states. >> supporters of same-sex marriage supporting another legal victory this morning. a federal judge striking down alaska's ban on gay marriage. >> stephen: yeah, gay marriage is legal in alaska. now gay couples will have the right to celebrate the traditional alaskan way by having bristol palin cold-cock
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one of their guests. (laughter) as much as i love america, as a person of faith, all that really matters to me is the position of the catholic church and that's always been, guy on girl, light on, a little weeping, a little praying. until now. >> news from the vatican, widely described as something of an earthquake by the catholic church. >> a stunning shift by the vatican on approach to gays and lesbians. >> bishops drafted different words -- >> stephen: vatican is welcoming the gays in! next thing you know, the place will be filled wan techniques! just listen to the immoral, depraved support the vatican offered in this document saying "homosexuals have gifts and qualities to offer the christian community."
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okay, they have gifts but it's mostly kimonos and i'm always feeling like i'm in a bathrobe. the document goes on to ask the f the church is capable of well coming gay people and guaranteeing them fraternal space in our communities? aren't frats already gay enough? listen up pope fabulous i, the lord is perfectly clear on the gays. the first time he saw a naked guy running around, he ribbed out his rib and forced him to have sex with a woman. he was clear with her, too, no fruity stuff! i'm so excited, the mid-terms will almost here. it's almost like christmas but with more talk about jeez. with 21 days left before the election, one group the g.o.p. is trying to still woo, woman! >> the republican party is in worse shape with women than in
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2010. >> republicans and women, it's been a message problem. >> the republican party has a problem communicating with women. >> study ordered by two republican groups found female voters feel the party is stuck in the past, said the g.o.p. is intolerant and lacks compassion. >> stephen: the g.o.p. has problems communicating with women but that doesn't mean they don't care. it's like the shy kid at the dance who wants to get your attention by denying you equal pay. means he likes you. (laughter) fortunately, one g.o.p. group developed a campaign that's sure to win the lady vote, the college republican national committee or crnc! they created an ad for the governor's race of charlie crist and naked mole rat rick, and the
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ad asks women to make november 4 the most magical day of their lives. >> it's a big deal for me now that i just graduated from college. >> rick scott is perfect! . he has ideas that don't break the budget. >> they are imitating the popular tlc show "say yes to the dress" to appeal to the female voters in the 15eu78 way you would appeal to veterans with cupcake wars. in this ad, each candidate is metaphorically represented by a different wedding dress and the bride looks radiant in the rick scott but mom has other ideas. >> i like the charlie crist. it's expensive and a little outdated, but i know best. >> don't forget, the charlie crist comes with additional cost. there's over $2 billion in
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taxes. >> mom, this is my decision. i see a better future with rick scott. >> sometimes it's hard to let go of old style but it all works out in the end because she said yes to rick scott! (cheering) >> stephen: this ad is touching, isn't it? awww! passed with with all kind of classic conservative marriage. traditional marriage, fiscal conservatism and hating mom. i look forward to the next g.o.p. ad selling baseball and apple pie to go (bleep) themselves. this ad -- (cheers and applause) this ad -- this ad shows that the modern g.o.p. finally understands the real concerns of women -- weddings! i mean, who needs access to contraception or equal pay. you're getting married. let him take care of that hard stuff. of course, there are a lot of race this is year so they have custom fitness add for blushing voters nationwide.
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>> tom corp corbett is perfect. he rick snyder is perfect. hutchinson is perfect the bruce is perfect. >> stephen: trying out that many candidates disqualifies her from wearing white (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i've created my own ad i believe addresses the real concerns of young, single women. jim? ♪ >> wow! you are looking confident and self-assured. >> i am. even though right now it's "that time." >> mid term? yeah. me, too! i don't have your confidence. what's your secret?
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>> well, i'm being represented by rick scott in my private sector. >> that explains it. i'm still using... charlie crist. >> it's been four years since he was governor. he could never give you that fresh feeling. just look at this side by side comparison. under charlie crist, taxpayer dollars will be leaking everywhere. but rick scott keeps your tax dollars where they belong, even on heavy spending days. >> but where does scott stand on employers providing coverage for contraceptives? >> rick scott, the best candidate. >> period! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: and, ladies... if you're looking for even more freshness, don't worry. the g.o.p. also has a full line
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of douche bags. we'll be right [door bell rings] ♪ [door bell rings] [phone rings] hello. heh. heh. heh-he-he... t-mobile's is the first national network to give you wi-fi calling. now every wi-fi connection works like a t-mobile tower. it's wi-fi unleashed. (dootrick or treat! mmm! thank you! mmm! mmm!
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♪ rock and roll music ♪ ♪
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>> stephen: well come back. my guest has been inducted into the hall of fame twice. please well come neil young! (cheers and applause)
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neil, good to see you again! thanks for coming back! you look fantastic! neil, thanks for being back. thank you for dressing up for the occasion! (cheering) thank you for putting on your formal t-shirt. earth. earth. we're still on the earth? we're standing on it. i thought we were going to have a spaceship that would take us someplace else. is that deal over now? >> we're trying to stop that. >> stephen: well, neil, everybody should know who you are. your career spans over 40 years. you have albums, induction into the hall of fame twice -- three times?
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maybe. maybe. clapton's been in three times. okay. (laughter) your new book is called special deluxe, a memoir of life and scars. >> right. and wallpaper. >> stephen: yes. these are all water colors you did of -- how many cars have you had in your life? >> many, many, many cars. >> stephen: these are many, many m cars. i was looking for a more specific number from a guy who wrote a damn book about it. >> thanks to people, thanks to america! thanks to america for building these great cars. >> stephen: these would make excellent pajamas for an 8-year-old. >> they would! >> stephen: you're a save the earth guy. you have the t-shirt. >> yeah. >> stephen: a lot of pollution with cars. >> that's right. >> stephen: can't have it both ways. how can you drive a hot rod lincoln if you know it's spewing out all the carbons. i caught you, you hypocrite.
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>> you caught me driving a 1959 lincoln from san francisco to the tar sands in alberta and to new york city without using one drop of gasoline. (cheers and applause) >> stephen: what are you talking about? how can you drive a hot rod lincoln from san francisco to the tar sands? >> it's beautiful till you get there. >> stephen: yeah? then it looks like a war zone, a disaster area. >> stephen: that's why i never go to canada, beautiful till you get there. >> i spoke to a few remaining fish up there. they said it was not right up there. >> stephen: your lincoln doesn't use gas? >> no, it uses electricity and cellulosic ethanol. as a matter of fact, it's faster than it used to be. it performance better. it's cleaner.
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i hate to say the word "green," but it is green. no, it's not green. it's white. i like white, not green cars. >> stephen: why are cars so important to you? >> well, they represent the culture. they represent our culture and our lot -- you know, like american history. look at these things, the way people felt, except for the english car, the third one up. the last time you were here, you tried to get me to sing a long about impeaching the president who, at the time, was george w. bush and you wanted to impeach him over getting us into the war in iraq. now that obama is getting us into a war in iraq, are you up for impeaching him, too? >> stephen: no, no. no? >> stephen: no? no. >> stephen: then you're a double hypocrite? don't care this time? >> i think wish impeach him for fracking. >> stephen: really?
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in the interest of the american people. >> stephen: are you an american? are you a canadian or american? >> i am part of the free world. >> stephen: are you a canadian or american? >> i'm a canadian. i don't have to go. i stay! i travel the free world. >> all right, all right. i love the world! i love it! (cheers and applause) >> stephen: you've got another thing you're pushing here, you're pushing the music player. why is this better than an ipad other than not -- ipod other than not coming pre-loaded with the youtube album. >> this button gets the youtube album off of it and came on the player.
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>> stephen: what's the improvement of the pono? what's better about the music? >> this music is 100% of the sound, and the ipod, compared to the best this can do, is 5% of the sound. it's a great bargain. >> stephen: i thought it was a great bargain. >> yes, it is, because you get to have a million of songs but you just get a tiny bit of each one, but you can recognize them. >> stephen: how much is this? $399. >> stephen: so not only does it look like a toborone, it costs as much as a toborone in a hotel room. >> stephen: depends on which hotel you stay? (laughter) >> but you don't have to listen. you feel the music. >> stephen: really? where do you put it, neil? >> that's up to you, stephen.
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look at that guy. look at those guys. >> stephen: look at those guys. >> yeah, look at all those awards. oh, yeah! >> stephen: you know where to put it. >> there you go. (cheers and applause) >> all right! >> stephen: neil, neil, will you do a song with us? (cheering) we'll be right back with a performance by neil young! (cheers and applause) ♪
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it will be a tough fight. but the chosen one has been sent to us. [slurp] grab a quesarito big box from taco bell for a chance to win a limited edition ps4 destiny bundle. there's a winner about every 15 minutes. [bong] oh no. who are you? daddy, this is blair, he booked this room with priceline express deals and saved a ton. i got everything i wanted. i always do. he seemed nice.
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♪ come on! let's hide in the attic. no. in the basement. why can't we just get in the running car? are you crazy? let's hide behind the chainsaws. smart. yeah. ok. if you're in a horror movie, you make poor decisions. it's what you do. this was a good idea. shhhh. be quiet. i'm being quiet. you're breathing on me! if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance,
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you switch to geico. it's what you do. head for the cemetery! ♪ want to change the world? create things that help people. design safer cars. faster computers. smarter grids and smarter phones. think up new ways to produce energy. ♪ be an engineer. solve problems the world needs solved. what are you waiting for? changing the world is part of the job description. [ male announcer ] join the scientists and engineers of exxonmobil in inspiring america's future engineers. energy lives here.
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>> stephen: hold on, i've got to introduce you. (cheers and applause)
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host, guest. host, guest. >> are you ready now, mr. colbert? >> stephen: i was ready before. you see the stuff in the thing, me talking, not you? (laughter) let's do it! >> ladies and gentlemen -- >> stephen: no, no, don't you dare! ladies and gentlemen, neil young and crazy host. (cheers and applause) whoa! ♪ ♪ protect the wild ♪ tomorrow's child ♪ protect the land ♪ from the greed of man en♪ end fracking now.
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♪ let's save the water and some man's daughter ♪ ♪ who's gonna stand up and save the earth ♪ ♪ who's gonna say she's had enough. ♪ who's gonna take on the big machine ♪ who's gonna stand up and save the earth ♪ this all starts with you and me ♪ i know it feels good to save the earth. ♪ but what if the dolphins attack us first. ♪ solar power is bound to fail. ♪ i say it's time we save the
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whales. >> stephen: who's gonna stand up and save the earth? >> stephen: i don't know. ♪ who's gonna say she's had enough. >> stephen: who's asking? ♪ who's gonna take on the big machine. ♪ who's gonna stand up and gave the earth? ♪ this all starts with you and me. ♪ . ♪ ♪
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>> stephen: wha ♪ what if the problem isn't really here. ♪ i'm heavily invested. ♪ the problem will heel itself ♪ if we just drill the continental shelf. ♪ who's gonna stand up and save the earth? >> stephen: not me. ♪ who's gonna say she's had enough? >> stephen: you mean the earth? ♪ who's gonna take on the big machine? who's gonna take on the big machine? ♪ this all starts with you and me... ♪ (cheers and applause)
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to the people of the coffee-drinking world. the time has come to put down the dark roast you've been putting up with and reach for the one you deserve. dunkin' donuts dark roast is here. bold start, smooth finish, never bitter.
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the first addition in the new guinness discovery series. discover a new age of brewing excellence for yourself. new guinness blonde american lager craft burgers, fresh ingredients. made to order when you order. so you can devour it right about now. the new sweet & smoky burger at the new chili's, where fresh is happening now. (dootrick or treat! mmm! thank you! mmm! mmm! i read most of the book.. having a baby isn't gonna be that hard. you didn't read the book. i read some of the book. 's alproper nutrition...red. keeping the romance alive. level 7! and setting a good example. daddy's trying.
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we are so ready for this. life can surprise you. so can an allstate agent. from savings on a new car, to discounts on a great car seat. the good hands are doing more than ever before. >> stephen: that's the show, everybody! neil young! god night!ored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ (cheers and applause) >> october 14th, 2014. from comedy central world news headquarters in new york this.
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is the daily show with jon stewart. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to the daily show. i'm jon stewart. my guest is on the zach galifianakis will be joining us. the excited news can look who is here. she made it to the show. [cheers and applause] >> jon: a gentleman in the audience with his wife of 25 years. only one ticket was left. here is my impression of him at the time. i don't know her! they're boeing here together. we saved their relationship. well, i'm just happy. but -- first it's time for a daily showy bowl a update. brought to you by arbys. arbys. a lot of thingsau

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